Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

*walks into the funeral home*

*climbs into a coffin*

I’m ready when you are

I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.

what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction

I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..

-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?

-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do

-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day

I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.

Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me

Riddler: what’s your secret identity

Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot

Riddler:

Batman: you absolute fool

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.

Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.

Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”

*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*

Someone stole my car.

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you

Battle of the bird feeder

Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678

It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Amazon.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Shipping. Go to sleep.

*Brings pen to sword fight*

Guy with sword : What’s that?

Me : Tis mightier!

*Gets beheaded*

If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?

Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme

Admin smashed it 😂

sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science

Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.

alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂

[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]

me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off

who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW

Kids are like mosquitoes…

…when they stop making a noise, start worrying