20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
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When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*