20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
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girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry