20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
You Might Also Like
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday
Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-