Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car

My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”

Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?

A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.

*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store

Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.

Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?

Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?

Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro

Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey

Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.

I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…

Bladder: better hurry up!

Back: woah, no sudden movements!

Foot: CRAMP!

Head: ouch, did we drink last night?

Neck: CRAMP!

Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!

Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…

My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.

It’s like looking in a mirror.

left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue

Let’s Go

Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.

I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.

[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right

My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body

My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please

Me: what’s that? More cheese?

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes

Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.

“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”

*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no