Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.

Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

*first date*

Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.

Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

Husband: *belches

Me: Exactly!

[space launch]

ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem

ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned

ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems

I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you

ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight

PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*

My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs

if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed

If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist

no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,

Not even remotely sorry.

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

doctor: we had to remove your appendix

JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves

Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.

There are 2 kinds of people in this world;

1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math

Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?

[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?

Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey

Me: I am the smartest person alive!

Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.

Me:

screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks

My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI

Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.

If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?

[at the park with my husband and children]

Stranger: You have a beautiful family

Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.

Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.

comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform