Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Egregious Outerwear Lies

Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive

I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.

This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.

In my 20’s: I want to find true love.

In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.

I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW

men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore

“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh

The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.

2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.

You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: Us.

Wife:

Me: You’re leaving us.

Wife:

Me: Also, why?

Wife: *Sigh*

Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.

The first five days after the weekend are the worst.

Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids

I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.

if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie

Me: Thanks for taking the time

Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself

Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.

[first date]

Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?

Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally

My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.

making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”

Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!

Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?

Woman: Yes! No!

[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each

Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.

Bees: why are all the humans disappearing