Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..

Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile

8: what did he do?

Ex: what do you think he did?

8: he drove while drinking

Ex: yes

8: AGAIN?!

I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets

The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.

*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”

Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)

ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night

If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.

I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

Found something new to say when I leave a room.

Fun Fact:

Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.

My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.

That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…

all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.

me: wow the stars are beautiful

gf: omg babe they really are

me: u know who else is beautiful?

gf: *blushes* who? :3

me: Harambe

Me: I am a man of substance.

Motion-activated faucet: No.

The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.

He got away Scott free.

The asteroid..

A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.

Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.

“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison

Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.

Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?

why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille

People just like to argue.

People: No we don’t

Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.

Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.

Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.

My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?

Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”

Genie: