Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.

Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!

Jesus: the bread is my body

Judas: *cutting carbs* I see

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

i prefer mine room temperature.

Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…

Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]

ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.

Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?

Windows Explorer: who knows lol

One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.

Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!

Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?

Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-

[train explodes]

[commercial for toilets]

°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°

There’s got to be a better way

english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald

I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants

GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.

*12 hours later*

GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.

Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?

The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.

Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget

If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.

Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila mockingbird.

♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫