Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.

Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months

Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert

Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know

Me: what?

Nurse: Coldplay sucks

For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.

Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.

What I heard: Ma’am

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*

i lost 4 lbs, nice

*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*

the punishment does not fit the crime

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.

Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!

Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?

The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.

me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape

kidnapper: 😳

I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.

Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.

“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”

– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.

It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.

I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.

[doorbell]

delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel

When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”

“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”

Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.