Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor

Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:

“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.

“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.

This is my emotional support online shopping cart

Me: *gets in from fishing trip*

Girlfriend: did you catch anything?

Me: *sighs* just an old boot

Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?

What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*

Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of

What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.

Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.

“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.

When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”

My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.

Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.

[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9

Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now

I just want an internship man

When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.

Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.

Living the best life.. 😊

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

“Would you rather be right or—“

YES

During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her

I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.

For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic

He looks like he’s got a lot to say