20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
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[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”