20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
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Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
