Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.

My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.

The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.

“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.

Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk

alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first

It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.

[halloween]

ME: nice costume. casanova?

HIM: guy fawkes

ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does

*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*

Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit

Me: WAIT

Adam and Eve: *Staring*

Me: You gotta wash it first

It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”

It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.

5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.

Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.

Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart

She was rare, like a goth carolling.

My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.

I was like “what are you trying to say?”

Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.

Turns out he’s a great gift giver.

I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.

Me: Are you done cleaning?

7-year-old: No.

Me: So what should you be doing?

7: Hiding.

She cleans like me.

me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!

him: oh sorry I thought you worked here

me, in line at a haunted house: WOW

[day 3: stuck in elevator]

girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon

me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?

I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.

CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.

Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.

“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?