20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
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[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….
So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.