Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

astrology is fake.

my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming

Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email

*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*

when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye

The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.

Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing

Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO

Me: are they human?

Him: no they’re-

Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer

[mouse wedding]

PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE

What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.

Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.

If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage

Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.

One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.

The British Museum will take anything but jokes.

You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.

My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!

Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.

1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…

*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.

9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”

Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…

9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”

“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”

*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*

Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.

Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*

Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath

son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!

Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why

when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm

Still writing HBO Max on my checks