Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This steak is really chewy.”

*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat

Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

Finally!

I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .

Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.

toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do

Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.

Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees

I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.

Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books

Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”

Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.

“HELP WITH CAT”

Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one

surgeon 1: open mike night tonight

surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time

surgeon 1: haha

surgeon 2: haha

Mike: what

[marriage counseling]

She’s always getting mad at me

“There’s a shark living in our pool”

IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN

Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids

Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake

My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.

I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.

*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!

I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭

Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.