20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
You Might Also Like
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
dream blunt rotation
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?