Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer

I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:

InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00

time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys

the council will decide your fate

[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.

It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White t-shirt: lol same.

Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad

Livid.

Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.

Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.

Me: You want some cereal?

2 year-old: Yay cereal!

Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

2: Yay cinnamon crack!

Me: Ok-wait, what??

Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket

Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING

[couples therapy]

Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!

Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.

Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.

When people ask “Are you high right now?”

It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.

I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.

Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”

Waiter: Any questions about the menu?

Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.

interviewer: questions about the job?

me: how can I get suspended with pay

I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.

I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?