Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible

Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.

I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist

My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.

Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.

Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”

You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…

-my wife telling a story

How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.

TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.

Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?

I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…

Unless, of course, I want to buy something.

Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act

Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”

Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From

I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems

“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases

I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens

Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands

All: BOOOO!

kid: I am telling mom

[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.

[at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”

Interviewed a Canadian.

She has a Canadian accent & boobs.

She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.

She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.

It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.

mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes

kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*

$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)

Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!

That 👊

What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.

*drops acid*

Ok, go.

When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.

A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.