Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.

Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness

@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

Me: beware the clyde of march

Clyde: I’m standing right here

Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)

Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard

Her: Okay

Him: You don’t mind?

Her: Nope

Him: Great

Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce

Him: You’ve made your point

Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup

My son just hugged me.

Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.

DATE: So tell me something about yourself

ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’

HER: I need to see other people

The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.

There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.

* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?

The captain was standing on the deck.

#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.

My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.

Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!

KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices

Me: Does that include salt and pepper?

KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices

Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.

Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.

Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.

The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist