Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!

me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year

ME: Here, take my seat

EXECUTIONER: No thank you

[blind date]

Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.

Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.

Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!

Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?

*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*

Meme: I have a boyfriend.

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm

Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!

If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…

Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”

Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”

Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”

It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.

Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.

something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean

TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.

ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.

You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.

The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.

Going to change my wifi network name to…

Someone Please Help Me

And give this neighborhood something to talk about.

The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.

Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”

~ Tom Hiddleston

“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”

“What’s that Sarge?”

“Someone’s building a pig.”

Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.

I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.