Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Even when food is heaven on Earth

my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet

Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.

I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.

Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.

“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you

Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”

The picture:

I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”

Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.

I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.

Anyway he’s dead now.

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.

I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.

WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom

HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?

WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.

I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.

If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.

Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque

Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education

Me: I’m a teacher

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.

My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.