2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
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The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
How your email finds me
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348