Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?

Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car

the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’

gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass

When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.

Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm

Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.

Cashier: What does your tattoo say?

Me: It doesn’t talk.

Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?

Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.

Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.

I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?

the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title

Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.

Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.

Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline

I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

#TrueStory

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?

me: i was driving

mom: where are you now?

me: walking the dog

mom: you need better excuses

me: it’s the truth

mom: then put the dog on

me: he’s uh driving

Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.

“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”

Stop being $50 to eat, food.

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!

Criminal: Get outta my—

Rookie: STOP TALKING

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no