Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.

I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?

Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.

When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place

Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?

Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.

Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.

“Hermit crab” describes me twice.

opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day

-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!

a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS

Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.

Him: That was one time.

I wish this was real life…

I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.

Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?

If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.

Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.

Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.

Me: Chocolate?

I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!

Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.

Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.

Leftover Pie:

Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]

We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”

peak technology

Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.

When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first

Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂

Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.

46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.

Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.

Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.