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My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.