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*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”