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Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
wait.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.