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overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no