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I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
At Walmart during the holidays like..
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.