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date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh鈥o i鈥檓 just a terrible hot dog salesman
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can鈥檛 do that in here
Me: It鈥檚 ok, I鈥檓 gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can鈥檛 ride a pony in here
[blind date]
Me: [text] I鈥檓 down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there鈥檚 a monster under there it鈥檚 going to kill us both.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
I鈥檓 a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What鈥檚 with the lab coat?
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they鈥檙e a vampire or just a regular dude
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
馃幎…we didn’t start the fire馃幍
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn鈥檛 sitting on the toilet.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 馃グ馃グ馃グ
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that鈥檚 why I continue to do so.