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Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Living the best life.. 😊
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already