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True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice