I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
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Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.