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I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them