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Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
I only sing in the car when it’s in reverse. I’m a backup singer
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!