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Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Story of my life…..
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
I heard a sexy “i saw mommy kissing sata claus” which is unsettling—either the adult saw her senior mother kiss Santa (her dad?) and is horned up about it OR she’s singing about herself being Mommy having an out of body dissociation, either way, up her prescriptions
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.