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teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure