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Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.