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ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
6: are snakes just neck?
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.