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Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Based Erika
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
watching gymnastics
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Camping tip: No.