Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking

There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.

I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.

My favorite child is the Roomba.

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*

My Wife… The Bargain Hunter

[oval office]

SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!

PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking

me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts

cop: no I’m just high—wait a second

me: too late ur under arrest

breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!

Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School

I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.

[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]

Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji

Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money

Alarm clock set for 6:00 am

Bladder set for 5:54 am

Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people

Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?

Me: Perfect

Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…

😂

that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala

Apple is releasing new product information today.

That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.

Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.