@DanLaMorte

21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”

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@iGreenMonk

The first step is admitting you have a problem.

Unless your problem is always admitting things then I don’t really know how to help you.

@LnL245

*Pulls out pin*

*Throws fire extinguisher*

@PrisonCookies

When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next

@TheHyyyype

ME: is there a doctor on this flight??

GUY: i’m a doctor

ME: thank god! can you talk to my son? he wants to study philosophy

@EJGomez

son ur mom told me u & ur gf broke up today?
*puts hand on sons shoulder*
if u had bought a pet falcon like i told u she woulda never left u

@carlyken

Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.

@CherBear162

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

@Robert_Beau

It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.

@Squirreljustice

I’m wearing a burqa, fencing mask, & a welding helmet while reading a book on cannibalism & an old lady on the bus still wants to chat.

@In_Twittaland

That worked out so much differently in my head.

– an autobiography