21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
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Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards