Stop.
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The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
a public service announcement
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
My blood type is coffee.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!