Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give a baker flours on your first date.

Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.

Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon

┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔

[Deathbed]

Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo

Frodo: yes Gandalf?

Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say

Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?

Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way

*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*

Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

Ferrari squats

I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.

If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer

Ikea Employee: I’m calling security

I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.

[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?

My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.

suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”

Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.

[In car, headed to store]

7: What’s wrong, Mommy?

Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.

[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]

Me: *scratches*

7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?

Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth

An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.

Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti

My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.

I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?