Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*leans forward*

*leans back*

*leans forward*

*leans back*

Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?

Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.

You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.

Friend: why?

Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.

Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.

*lifts 10 pound weight*

Nice.

*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted

Losing your spouse can be hard.

But it’s not impossible.

Spider-cat: No One Home

A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?

[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.

Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.

Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.

Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.

When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.

Every relationship needs boundaries…

….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.

Me: I need to get something off my chest

My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME

Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.

[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change

Sign: *APPLAUSE*

[ first day in funeral home ]

me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off

Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?

Me: Because she agrees with me.

Also me, to me: Is he always like this?

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

[apocalypse]

Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69

It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back

A letter home from Burning Man:

“My Dearest Martha:

I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”

If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think