You Might Also Like
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.