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Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Usage Guidelines
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Name another movie that mislead you?
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors