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I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I just ran a .003048K
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat