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Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Ugh
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.