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Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
hear me out: A Netflix series where MMA champions go undercover to Eagles games wearing the opposing team’s jersey
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
tis the season
thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
“So it’s sausages in a kind of fat pancake?”
“It’s called a Yorkshire Pudding”
“Ah, ok, so we’ll call it sausages in Yorkshire Pudding?”
“No, we’ll call it Toad in the Hole”
”Sorry what?”
“And we’ll call the dessert…”
“How about just steamed pudding?”
”…Spotted Dick”
“I see…”
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism