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My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
For the orator and chef in all of us
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
good morning
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine