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[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
sweet dreams💖
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.