Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.

*Giving TED talk*

Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!

*he does and a mousetrap snaps*

Me: trust no one

*audience claps*

My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:

yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes

Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list

Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.

Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.

Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids

For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision

My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured

What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please

My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.

Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud

Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.

What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since

I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.

Me: wow

Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest

I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:

“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”

Me: Do you need a sample?

Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat

Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste

You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.

“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken

📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.

[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why

Me: No more questions your honor

Judge: The lawyers say that, not you

Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.

Girl, same.

There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school

Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”