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me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.