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I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Truth
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge