Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”

The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge

a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes

I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.

Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs

ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?

DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego

My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔

My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat

Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair

My cat: it’s perfect I love it

My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”

r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”

Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.

– repeat offenders

decorating my apartment

My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night

[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.

All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.

My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.

T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said

Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.

*wipes prints off microwave handle*

I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…

I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.

That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to

me: yea i don’t