Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

Why I divorced her.

you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames

Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.

Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”

Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”

6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?

Me: um…

6: when plants die can they be ghosts?

Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.

I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never

A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids

I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.

Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them

Step 2:Become a lawyer

Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love

Step 4:Become rich

“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”

– Dogs

On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.

Deer: *frozen in headlights*

Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater

“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”

“I’m sorry I feel that way.”

Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”

You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.

Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…

‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’

Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.

“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”

~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions

Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch