23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
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“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.
This is my life.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Good morning y’all ☀️
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
🌲😼
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.
I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.