23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
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*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Banana is the quietest snack
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR