23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
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My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store