23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
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Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.