23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
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dude it’s called proctologist
I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Hit me in the face with a bird
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
The three genders.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
what all these pyramids be scheming about?