23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
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Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
i smell a pulitzer
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs