Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.

Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.

Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.

Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”

I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.

GOD: I call those trees and plants

ANGEL: very beautiful

GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them

ANGEL: dude who hurt you

they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar

Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy

Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus

This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede

Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise

This is my brand.

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body

My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please

Me: what’s that? More cheese?

ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.

GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?

it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name

“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”

My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you

My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.

Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.

For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.

Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.