23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
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Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome