@ThaumPenguin

23. the denim jacket

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@captainkalvis

doctor: i’ve got good news and bad news
me: what’s the bad news?
doctor: you lost your short term memory
me: and what’s the bad news?

@Cheeseboy22

One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”

@blade_funner

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

@punmagnate

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

@mrtruthandsoul

Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation

@Sanbel11

“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”

Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.

@envydatropic

If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.

@DurtMcHurtt

If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

@KirillWasHere

If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.

@mdvaldosta

Ladies: we’re not fooled by your PMS trickery. I see how happy you are in those tampon commercials.