23. the denim jacket
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God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*